Cucumbers were meant for salad...

WARNING: THIS IS AN ADULT post! Then again, if you've ever read this blog, you shouldn't be surprised by anything.

Today's lesson: Cucumbers were meant for salad.

No, they were not meant to be crammed into your pussy. Yes, that is what I tried to do last night, all for the sake of making a video for a very sweet man in England.

The problem began when I misjudged the size of the offending vegetable at the grocery. I swear, that thing did not look that big! It didnt look that big when I spotted it, it didnt look that big when I carefully placed it in the plastic baggie. It did not look that big when I washed it thoroughly with mild soap. It didnt look that flipping big when I was lustfully lubing it up with KY!!!!!

I was trying to be discreet...staring at a huge pile of big, long, firm cukes - but apparently, everyone else and their brother wanted to make salad for lunch that week too. There is only so long you can fondle veggies before someone takes notice. As I was thinking to myself "I need to find the perfect one for my video," - I also pondered "is anyone else doing the same thing I am?" Does someone else have plans for their selection other than eating it? Yeah right. But alas, these are the thoughts of a perverted internet girl.

So, it's now show time. I get my camera, lube and vegetable situated. Assume spread eagle position. Slather cuke with lube. Hit "record" on remote. Aim for stimulating video. STOP! Son of a bitch! The damn thing won't go in more than 2 inches. I realize its been a long time since the family love hole has seen any action, but COME ON! 2 FUCKING INCHES? Apply even MORE lube. Try again. Same 2 inches. This is not over yet! Yes, I tried to cram the son of a bitch in there...bad idea. OUCH! Thought I'd try to sit on the bastard - it has to go in that way, right? I think I broke myself. OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.

I guess you cant truly equate real penises and vegetables. Had I been faced with the equivalent of my green friend - attached to a man, flesh colored and throbbing, I would have been eager with anticipation and brimming with excitement. ..AND, I wouldnt have let him stop at 2 inches. (if he was dressed in a cowboy hat and work boots and a tight t-shirt, there definitely wouldnt have been a problem!).

Now I am merely faced with a poor, abused cucumber, that sits on the kitchen counter, awaiting a fate still unknown. Poor thing. I'm sure when he was basking in the sun, growing by leaps and bounds with his fellow friends, he had hopes of being featured on a fresh bed of greens, hanging out with tomatoes and cheese...but instead, he was crammed into a girlie orifice, and used for sexual gratification.

LOL! Is this really my life?

Hugeness

First, let me apologize for the vagueness of my blog entry. But I made a promise to myself not to spill the beans until after the fact, and by gosh I’m not going to budge for fear of jinxing myself. No one even has a clue what’s going on except for my sister - and she is sworn to secrecy!
Today, something majorly unbelievable happened. In fact, things like this just dont happen in 2006 (no, some beefcake did not show up on my doorstep naked with a check for the Powerball lottery).

I was honestly so surprised when it happened I was speechless. I had to take the guy’s number and call him back! I think he thought I was insane, I was asking him so many questions!

This is TOTALLY unexpected - and good shit like this never happens to me! Something even HUGER is on the horizon later this week. I was put in a situation that was so weird and unforeseen. BUT ITS ALL GOOD! (No, I didnt get to make out with my boss).

All I could do was smile the rest of the day.

Do I have you hooked yet? I probably wont have an update until at least some time next week, so sit tight!

Reality TV - Cheaters

I admit. I LOVE this show. I love seeing pieces of shit get busted. I just wish it wasnt on after midnight! (although, for some reason I found it on earlier this evening. YAY)

But I wonder, does anyone ever contact the show only to find out..THEY'RE NOT BEING CHEATED ON, they're just imagining things or suffering from paranoia?

Hmmmm....

Time Warner Cable - YOU SUCK!!!!

That's right, you SUCK. I am so pissed off at you I could spew a slew of cusswords that would make even a sailor blush (get ready, because a few of them are coming at you right now).

Why? I'VE F*CKING BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU FOR A WEEK NOW, and I can't get a !@#$ damned PERSON to save my life!!! AND!!! I've been on hold for no less than 20+ minutes EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I'VE CALLED (at least 4X), only to give up because I was so irritated I thought my head was going to pop-off! What I want is simple - I wanna know how much it will cost me to get cable hooked up in my basement! How hard is that? Last time I called, THE ESTIMATED HOLD TIME WAS 45 MINUTES....45 FUCKING MINUTES? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Who in the hell is going to hang on the phone that long! Have you not heard of hiring ENOUGH CUSTOMER SERVICE STAFF to meet your customers needs? And those poor people that DO work for you! I'm sure they're getting an earful about their "on hold" time if and when they actually get to speak to you!!!

You're damned lucky that you're the only cable provider in this podunk town. If you werent, you'd be losing so many customers that you might have to actually do something to improve your business. 45 minutes...45 MINUTES...45 MINUTES!!!!

OMG. I am angry all over again! !@#$!@#$!@#$. All I want is another cable line! I'm trying to give you more of my $ for the sake of having some rockin' NASCAR parties this season, and you won't even talk to me!!!! And for christs sakes, (and this goes for all of you big companies in general).....STOP IT WITH THE INSANE, NEVER-ENDING VOICE MAIL LOOPS THAT TRAP YOU LIKE A RAT!!! I just want a person - a living, breathing, human being to talk to me!!!

Damnit, someone...start a flipping cable company, and FAST!

Ok, I think I need a margarita.

a Hot Boy - Box of rocks anyone?

So last night, I am trying to take naughty photos for BABESINPANTYLAND.COM. It was one of those nights where I couldnt take a hot photo to save my life! I was so mad!! I was just about to cry and give up, when DING DING DING, the doorbell rang :) It could only be one person (well, it could have been the 100 year old stalker that bought my truck last weekend, but I figured he wouldnt be ringing the doorbell 50x in a row). It was my girl "K", and her new beau that she met on FARMERSONLY.COM. ( I so need to sign up!). They were here to bring me food (SWEET), and to kidnap me to a local bar. I put up a fight, then caved because they refused to go without me! Who am I to ruin someone's date? Amazingly, with about 20 minutes of effort, I looked rather tasty :)

We arrive (the 1st of the month is always a good time to go - all the welfare people just got paid, so there's lots of 80's hair and missing teeth action). We sit down, and HOLY SHIT, there is the hottest young piece of man booty I have seen in MONTHS, maybe years, in this town. He was SOOO my type. He had on his Carhart (spelling?) work jacket, work boots, tight jeans. I couldnt keep my eyes off of him. He was really young though, but since he was in there drinking it up - making him at least 21, I thought - what the hell - he's legal, and that's enough for me to make out with him! (I still have yet to have a one night stand - did I just admit that?) I decided he resembled Jimmie Johnson - Fuckin' A!). I sat there, in a daze, thinking of 100 different ways to violate him. Of course, since I am a babe, he ends up at our table. That is where the fantasy ENDED. I'm not kidding, as soon as he opened his mouth, it was all over. "K" said, "she thinks you look like Jimmie Johnson." He actually said, "Jimmy Johnson from Bremen?" WHAT? That did NOT just happen. No dipshit, JIMMIE JOHNSON FROM NASCAR, who else! The man could not form a coherent sentence, and if he tried, it was some garbled mass of English that was unrecognizable. He was trying to tell some joke from Larry the Cable Guy, and I didnt understand the words coming out of his mouth! I was so disappointed! Hell my friend's date had to tell us what he was saying!!! I dont think he was drunk either, just not very bright for a 26 year old plumber/horse "somethin'" from these parts (since I couldnt understand him all I got about the horse gig was the word "horse." LOL).

Regardless, he kept coming back to the table. Man I tried to make sense of him. I think he was real sweet, just not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Ultimately, he did invite me to hang out at his "camper with him sometime" - and he gave me his phone number. Sorry sweet young thing, I just can't bring myself to call you. In the end, I thought he might be fun to swap spit with, but about the time I decided that, he was walking out the door with a woman that was old enough to be his mom - perhaps twice-over. DOH!